What am I?

Man is not capable of knowing what he is. What man is must be revealed to him by God. This is one thing (flowing out of the thought of St. Augustine) I read in Hannah Arendt's The Human Condition, which I have been reading since I went to Savannah.

I think that whenever a people has an overly narrow idea of what man is, God proves them wrong by bringing into existence men who don't fit this idea. Oftentimes people wish or do violence on these enfleshed reproaches; it is not the reproaches whom they are angry with, it is with the God who delivered them.

I have been angry with God, but I thought I was only angry at myself or at other people. I wasn't ready to accept what He made me to be. I wanted to fit the narrow ideas that the world offered for my compliance. But, learning that God wishes to speak to me and through me in my very being, I now wish to be silent to learn what He has to say. Allowing God to speak can be a dangerous thing. Many times I prayed but was afraid He'd say something.

The thought that God willed me into being in order to speak through my being may be the most frightening thing I've ever thought about myself. What if I don't want to speak what He has to say? What if I'll be hurt? What if I won't make it out alive? What will become of me if I don't allow Him to speak? And yet, He speaks without my consent. He speaks while I'm asleep, while I'm daydreaming, while I'm busy with other things. Even now.

And what applies to me, applies to everyone. Therefore for whomever I wish were never or were no more, I wish to silence God.