Marriage and True Friendship

(Part 2 of 3) I was wrong to say that spouses are not entirely capable of true friendship. What I mean is that marriage, by its nature, excludes some of the equally excellent possibilities of true friendship. No one relationship, save our relationship with Christ, can exhibit all possibilities of friendship and love. To say yes to one relationship model with a person is to say no to other possibilities that are equally excellent. Marriage, by its nature, is a cleaving of two persons, who become one flesh, which inherently excludes some possibilities, but opens up other possibilities. In the same way, disinterested friendship is a bond that allows for the flourishing of possibilities that are diminished by the kind of attachment found in marriage. Thus, I would say that marriage has the possibility of becoming a true friendship, but that this true friendship is nonetheless limited by the very thing that makes marriage itself excellent: the unity of spouses and the procreation of children.

It was not God's plan that one human relationship should achieve all possibilities of excellence. This is why Adam and Eve were commanded to multiply. It would otherwise have been sufficient for Adam and Eve to be fruitful only: to have one male and one female child, who would marry and repeat the process. But we see, in God's plan, the desire for an abundance of persons, so that societies might flourish in the world, not merely man and woman and their nuclear family. Society consists of a variety and layering of relationships, each with its own kind of excellence and depth, to the exclusion of others. The conjugal dyad is not the crowning achievement, but it is the noble beginning of it all, and all ultimately points to our union with God in heaven.

As an example to show that there are a variety of relationships with excellence, which exclude other possibilities, St. Thomas Aquinas explains that those in a spiritual relationship with each other (through sponsorship in baptism or confirmation) cannot (validly or licitly) marry each other. And, if those who are married enter into a spiritual relationship, it is an impediment to the marriage, though it does not dissolve it. The reason why, according to Thomas, is that "spiritual relationship is by itself a sufficient reason for friendship", and, if you're looking to marry someone, you need to seek intimacy and friendship with someone else.